Some problems i created

["kos_kou4" <kos_kou4@...>]

Hello friends,

I started Bardon's course 5 months ago but it seems that I 
misunderstood some things. When I was just doing the meditations 
everything was ok but someday I read from these forums, and I 
thought, that with step 1 exercises the mind will be controlled and 
that I have allways to observe my thoughts. At the beginning 
everything was ok but I also was convinced that "now I will control 
my mind". One day I read in this forum that someone always has to 
observe his thoughts. So, I decided to really force myself to always 
observe my thoughts, I always had in my mind to observe my thoughts 
and I , mentally not physically, didn't do anything else except 
this. At the first day I was doing this it was ok, but in the 
evening I noticed that I had a pain in my head, some difficulty in 
concentration and I felt a little distand from everything. But I 
thought that in the morning I will be ok. At the next morning I was 
exactly the same and I had an anxious feeling and a real pressure 
inside my head. I begun to get scared about this but I didn't stop 
forcing myself to observe thoughts. At the end of that day the 
symptoms was worse and I was observing myself to move,talk,walk but 
it wasn't me that doing these. I was in a daze and I felt like 
something dragging me from reality. So, while I was observing myself 
doing things I started to think how am I doing these, how am I 
walk?, think?, whats the process of thinking? and generally things 
about how unconsious works. These thoughts made me really desperate 
and anxious because they have no answer and I just seeing them 
happening. I stopped to observe thoughts but it was out of control. 
The other day I remember that I had this thought "it seems that from 
now on I will be like this (a terrible force,pain inside my head, 
very anxious and very distand from reality) because it had to be 
like this, but I want to go back". When I saw that I couldn't go 
back and I was in a situation that I couldn't escape from it I had 
the strongest negative feeling I've ever had, a feeling of 
insecurity, desparation and helpless, and I thought that I am mad. 
After that I stopped Bardon's course and I was in this very 
unconfortable situation for 3 days. At the end of that third day I 
remember telling myself "this is nothing you just overdo it with 
observing thoughts, you are very sensitive and that's why you felt 
like this" and I was normal again! All the symptoms left in a second 
and I was healthy again. I started Bardon's course again and for 1 
month I was ok. But one day I had this thought "while taking 
Bardon's course maybe someday discover that I have psychic abilities 
of a phenomenal nature and that is a situation that I can never 
escape from, like the other I had a month ago" and the symptoms just 
came back but not so strong as the other time. I was in this 
situation for 3 months. I was anxious, felt a force inside my head, 
could't concentrate, felt like being in a daze, couldn't let myself 
go something bothered me all the time, there was times that I 
thought about unconsious work and I felt desparate, felt like trying 
to control whatever I said and did and this made me to speak very 
little and at nights before I sleep I sometimes felt that everything 
is a lie and something drugging me somewhere. All these was untill 
yesterday and today I went to a therapist and he told me that this
(observing myself) was just a different kind of conciousness. But I 
didn't expect to see this conciousness, I expected when I was 
started to always observing my thoughts that I will have a change in 
my personality that will last, to observe my thoughts. And that's 
why when I felt like this(observing myself)I thought that was a 
naturall situation,a change, that will last forever and not just an 
another kind of consiousness. And it was from this that I thought 
that there is no turning back from that really unconfortable 
situation I was. I thought that I would have a change that will 
last, this change was anxious and negative emotions, and subconsious 
gave me these negative feelings as a change that will last. When I 
understand this misunderstood of mine I was again ok, but I feel 
oversensitive and afraid of changes.
What I would really like from you please is to tell me your opinion 
about these, what should I do and how real changes comes in this 
course. Because if a change as psychic abilities comes to me as my 
personality is now this will be really scary and catastrophic. Also 
I can see that I can reach that state of consiousness very easily. 
Is this state "a safeguard" from negative emotions and thoughts?

Thank you for your time